Death and childhood

So my grandma Beatriz died in February, since I was a child my biggest fear was losing her, she was the angel I never asked for, she took care of me for a long time, and gave me the emotional support I lacked from my parents, she was a beautiful soul, she’d give you the world and ask for nothing in return, she didn't mind being on the sidelines if it meant she got to be near you, she had love for everyone, and I will never forget the impact she had on my life, 

With that being said, losing her made me feel as if I lost my childhood.

She still treated me like I was still that eight year old girl who left her legos laying around the floor, she still cared for me as if the years had never passed, every-time she called it was “mi muñeca”, realizing I will never have that treatment again, left me with a void, the void I knew I would have once she was gone. 

Since my childhood was all of five minutes, I try to hold on to whatever is left of it. I'm 23 now and I know the world keeps going, but I'd like to take everything from when my brain was a little lighter, with me. Now i'm scared of losing my mother, realistically she is 59 today, but next year shell reach her 60’s and I would do anything to stop time for a bit just to have more than an average of 20 more years with her. I wasnt ready to lose my grandma, and I doubt I'd ever  be ready to lose my mom.

If having a child is ever in my cards, i'm glad to say I leave them with all my thoughts, all my music, all my pictures, so my memory can live on with them. I wish I could hear my grandma's voice again. Just once more.