I’m going on a hike soon.

I'm going on a hike soon. I need to speak to God about a few things. I hope to feel his presence in the midst of the wind blowing across my face and the leaves rustling by my feet.

 I come home to my room and I sit in between four walls and I do find God in the upper room but I need to leave these walls to be held accountable, for all my sins to be brought to light. 

It's only been a day or so since I did something that led to my greatest regret. Despite being so grateful for the things I have and the things God has allowed me to achieve, My spirit feels dirty. I dont feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm not even sure if I can truly look at my own reflection for longer than a few minutes without feeling shame. I go to God in these moments. I pray for the strength that I know I can only obtain through him. In a way I see how this experience has shown me that now I run to God first and foremost. Ive been uniquely humbled as well, I had to face temptations that I didnt even know I struggled with. I wish I had someone on this walk with me close. By close I mean under the same roof, for at times I feel alone, forgetting Christ is holding my hand through all of this. I love when my sister or brother stays the night, because the physical comfort is something I still yearn for, most of all I yearn for him. I can't tell you who this “him” is, but if he finds himself ever reading this he will know exactly who I speak of. I pray for you, you’re an angel that walks this Earth, ever since the day I first met you, you’re heart has always been so pure, I used to envy it in my immaturity , questioning how someone could be so kind, you’re worth more than this world's most precious minerals, you’re glance alone could grow flowers in places of drought. 

As I said prior I'm going on a hike soon, even though you’re 1,000 miles away, I hope I find you there, I hope I feel the love from the simple memories of you. Maybe on this hike I will be able to let go of the memories of us together, maybe i'll be able to let go of every seashell I picked up and undo every scoop of icecream we shared, maybe i’ll be able to unwalk the glittery floors of the guitar shaped building, maybe i’ll start opening my own car doors and wearing rings that dont remind me of your companionship. Unwalk isnt a word but it works in this context doesnt it? 

I will be okay though, God's love is everlasting and fulfilling either way, but I do miss you, I wish I could tell you how this hike reminds me of my childhood, I wish I could tell you how this hike is inspired by you, I wish I could tell you of how the sun's rays remind me of your hugs, and the green grass reminds me of your smile. Since I can't tell you, I’ll tell God. Maybe the love I’ll find on this hike is all for and from God. 

I'm going on a hike soon. I need to speak with God. I hope he gives me wisdom because I am so young and immature, my only guide is Jesus, he is the best guide anyways. I hope he holds my hand, I hope im focused enough to listen to him, I pray I don’t slip or fall, hikes aren't always safe, but because of God's grace I will go on, thank you for the hike I’ll be going on soon, I hope it's the love I need that I find there.