I’m angry when I’m sad.

Sometimes when I'm sad I'm actually angry. I realize that with time and with maturity I become more sensitive towards certain things; it could be a baby taking his first step or a dog reuniting with ita with his owner that went to like Boot Camp for three months, and it can even be something more important and reasonable to cry about for example, let’s say someone close to me mentions something they find unattractive or maybe my manager constantly talking down to me; I realize in those moments it’s not exactly just sadness I feel, yes my initial reaction is my eyes getting watery, palms getting sweaty, but I’m actually angry.

That's what I’ve been realizing I’m very angry and resentful, I’ve been angry for a long time because I’m still in this process of letting go of certain things from my past because all of that comes back in relationships, and workplaces;

you know the feeling of inadequacy or feeling like you don’t have a proper support system.

I've met multiple people from different types of backgrounds with supporting families and friends that always keep them pushing. And I'm not envious but it's like they naturally have a certain mental strength due to this support. On the other side my experience has made me aware of things that they might not be aware of, atleast emotionally.

Something that had got to me the other day was I was my mother said something about my scars and it triggered me at work; I had opened up to my manager about this and then a few days later she had been in an argument with her mom I believe then and she literally looked at me she’s said Melany you have to grow a pair, that really got to me because I opened up to you about how I felt and I’m naturally emotional and for you to just say something so distasteful like grow a pair two days later is messed up. And I know work wasn't initially a safe space but don't act like you'll be one when you simply cannot be. Maybe she doesn’t realize her words, and of course you could say stand up for yourself but when I do I don't even get taken seriously, also there's a chance that facade of sadness will

Become anger.

So now I just want to speak about the anger.

I’m a terrible angry person, I either black out or start lashing out, because I barely express it.

I don’t like being angry, when I do it’s just not only draining for the person I am projecting towards but it’s draining to me because it’s the energy that it takes to be angry. It's way stronger than the energy it takes to be sad. When I am angry. I want to stay angry and then my anger becomes anxiety and then I start trembling like a Chihuahua and acting erratically and impulsively.

I don’t want that side of me to come out in public places or in general. I just cry you know?I cry because I’m angry. And I I actually am tired of people taking my most vulnerable moments and shitting on them, but I refuse to be made fun of for crying or being sensitive, atleast I'm not lashing out or yelling at people.

I felt ashamed about being angry for a while but then I heard this while watching a podcast, the Bible says its okay to be angry, it's what you decide to do with that anger; right so in my case my anger turns into sadness but it's is also bad to stay sad especially when you become so comfortable in that state of sadness. So i’m trying to learn a way of being mad in a healthy way, songwriting is a beautiful way for me to express my feelings but I have to be calm to think of something. When im angry I want to punch something so who knows maybe in the future I might get a kickboxing class just to feel more stabilized with my own emotions because I know it’s okay to cry but when other people see me crying randomly I guess to them it’s not. So then I get labeled sensitive, I literally get bullied by people five years older than me it’s like get it together people cry a lot in 2023 I thought we would’ve been more open about this after Covid and quarantine and all that shit but whatever that’s my rant.

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