Restless

I’ve been feeling so restless lately, I thought I wanted to sing and write with time that dream shriveled because I truly didn’t think I had what it takes to be a singer in New York, also I knew my recording wasn’t good and my writing maybe wasn’t as clever S other people, and then there’s office jobs , the one I loved never paid me enough , and the one I hated paid me but I didn’t enjoy the job at all. It makes me sad when I think about all the things I’ve tried and not succeeded at , makes me start to believe that maybe everything that has been said about me is right , when I feel this way I truly want to run away to a foreign country and start fresh but even then with my luck that would fail too, I even failed at having a relationship with God, on the bright side his mercy lets me try

again.

I’m 22 now I truly don’t know where  im going in life, I barely know how to navigate my day to  day or my relationship.

My relationship that’s a whole different hurdle too, me and my current s/o are people with two different mindsets of what a relationship should be , we never realize when we hurt each other or what the right things to say are, so that’s definitely a work in progress too.

My home life is another one , my dad just got out of an intensive surgery and expects me to be his HHA but I’ve never even had a relationship with the guy in the first place and now you just expect me to be there? You were never there for me emotionally or when you were truly needed, i don’t resent him but I do want to create even more distance , I’d love to be economically independent , I feel like that would solve a lot of my problems and anxiety, if I could just live on my own and have a space I could truly call mine, I’ve never had that. I’ve never felt at home, it would be nice to feel that way for once , but let me stop complaining and think about the good.

The Good

• I’m healthy and have working limbs which is definitely a plus for someone who bike rides in New York.

• I have a roof over my head which is also a plus for someone who lives in New York.

• I’m able to eat atleast once a day.

• I have a cute old sick dog that stares at me in my sleep.

• My plants always say good morning.

• I have genuine friends that help me along the way.

• My s/o helped me understand the allure of Star Wars so that was great.

• I traveled back home {Colombia} this year which I missed.

I wish I wouldn’t have to remind myself of the good.

Even with the good I still dwell, I haven’t mentioned every single thing wrong with my life in this essay because it isn’t very necessary, also because of my trauma I never truly feel comfortable speaking about my problems for too long because I feel like I become an inconvenience for those listening.

I’m not at a good place in my life, the only one who can fix it is God, only one who can show me hope is God, but I am ashamed to go to him. I’ve lost my ways. I know I’m still young and maybe I won’t feel this way all the time, but at this very moment I’m lost.

[1:20am 11/27/2023]